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Joke of the Day

"Optometrist dilated my eyes today; everything blurry Shortest time I have ever spent on the pot, says the wife..."

"I met a deaf gynecologist today.. Apparently, he reads lips. (Obligatory: posted this in /r/dadjokes, thought this sub might like it as well.)"

"Why is there a show called ""When Animals Attack""? It should be called ""When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."""

"I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels."

"I saved a girl from getting Raped today ........... i changed my mind."

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, kinda gross, and picked up at the gas station."

"I didn't like this marimba player very much... ...He just had bad vibes."

"A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"So I had to put German food in a container one time... It was a real wurst case scenario"

"I've never pretended to be something I'm not... Except sober. I've pretended to be sober before."