197660

Joke of the Day

"""Hey honey"" *drags a cigarette* ""have you ever"" *drinks some scotch* ""slept with a guy"" *sucks a lollipop* ""with three arms?"""

"Like most movies. I show big things in my trailer."

"It would be easier on everyone if my kids' teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me."

"What do Pizzas and parents have in common? .. if they are black, you have nothing to eat!"

"Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos."

"TIL that constipation is hereditary. My dad never gave a shit."

"I wish I hadn't bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999."

"The waiting list for the WiiU.... Just got shorter in Conneticut"

"These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order."

"Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E."