197363

Joke of the Day

"This is your brain. *holds up a brain* And this is your brain on drugs. *holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*"

"TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders. ""Sorry, wrong sub"""

"What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?"

"Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it."""

"What do you MEAN there are no food trucks named ""Nom Chompsky""?!"

"What does Putin's boyfriend say when he wants sex? Putin, Putitin"

"Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend."

"What do you call a group of IT guys that smoke meth? Geek Squad"

"My gf was a virgin until recently ;) Too bad I still am."

"I'm not really a 'walk of shame' kind of girl. Im more of a 'put it back in my nightstand drawer when I'm finished & roll over' kind of girl"