197010

Joke of the Day

"Say ""beer can"" out loud in a British accent. It sounds like you're saying ""bacon"" in a Jamaican accent!"

"When my friends come over they know to ask ""may I sit here"" and then we look at my dog to see if it's OK"

"""To label you ""divine"" would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence. ... and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you're up?"""

"I always suspected that Matthew McConaughey was a rebel. That suspicion was confirmed when I saw what he wore every single day after Labor Day. All white, all white, all white."

"I hate people with club feet... I'm lack toes intolerant."

"I can't believe after all this shit they're still together! Our ass-cheeks really deserve some respect."

"How to pick up a girl Me: Are you interested in having the best sex of your life? Her: No. Me: Well then you came to the right place ;)"

"Where does bad light end up? in prism"

"How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"Her: I'm just a vintage soul Me: and a vintage face.. That's how the fight started"