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Joke of the Day

"[if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before."

"What did one asshole say to the other? I don't know, you haven't said anything yet"

"1st man: ""My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"" 2nd man: ""Did they wake you?"" 1st man: ""Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."""

"What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife? A midwife crisis."

"I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me."

"People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime."

"What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration"

"My friend brags to me all the time about the women he has seen naked We both agreed the internet is awesome."

"Life is a joke.. and death is the punch line."

"I hate when people ask where I think I'll be in five years I don't have 2020 vision."