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Joke of the Day

"[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond] ""HEY! NO LITERING--"" shh wait [a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]"

"Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage."

"What do you call four drowning spanish teachers? Cuatro sinko. ;)"

"I have a dark sense of humor but being a normally good person, *people don't see it.*"

"What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker."

"I nicknamed my girlfriend Christmas She only comes once a year."

"Heard of the man who banged an ATM? He came into a lot of money"

"Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut."

"What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien"

"It's alright if we're doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones."