195598

Joke of the Day

"[in church] ""And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins."" [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]"

"Why did the monks go to the casino? Tibet."

"I tried to make the earthquake drill realistic by throwing glass shards and screaming ""You fuckers are dead."" I'm no longer safety captain."

"[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing"

"You wanna hear a Dad joke? Well, I don't have any kids yet so you're gonna have to ask someone else!"

"nothing sexier than a Subway Sandwich Artist spreading tuna salad with an ice cream scoop"

"I once called a psychic. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up."

"To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym ""DBOF"": Don't Be On Fire"

"Sitting next to my wife today, I said ""I love you"", She replied ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" I answered ""It's me... Talking to the beer"""

"What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy."