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Joke of the Day

"*lights a scented candle in my house *gets texted 500 miles away from my mother Please watch those candles"

"Who was the widest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference, he ate too much pi"

"TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools."

"He's an owl with an attitude. She's a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC's new hit 'Birds of Pray'!"

"What should you use to make a boat explode? A weapon of mast destruction."

"Do you guys like corny jokes? Because I have some absolutely a-maize-ing ones!"

"I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today.. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love' and on the back they say 'But I wont do that!'"

"I feel bad for people who work at German supermarkets. They have to deal with Deutsch bags all day."

"Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks 'does this taste funny to you?' Ba da ba, tshhhh."

"Some of my friends are doctors and human rights activists and I just spent the last 22 minutes trying to open a pistachio."