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Joke of the Day

"Pigs in a blanket Hey, isn't that the same as an undercover cop?"

"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? You have perfect eyesight."

"Anyone who can tell if they're speeding up or slowing down a ceiling fan on the first try is a wizard and should not be trusted."

"Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever."

"*lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sen F: well? Me: we're in China"

"Ugh, I just finished eating at a restuarant, and some patronizing waitress kept asking if I wanted another shaker! It was so insalting!"

"Running into someone from high school that got fat is better than Christmas."

"Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus."

"Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink."

"Jack and the beanstalk Does everybody know the guy in Jack and The Beanstalk who trades the magic beans for Jacks cow? Cause I guess you could call him a Stalk Broker"