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Joke of the Day

"Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever."

"Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar.. ..and it burns to the ground and it's finally safe to turn the radio back on."

"You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull."

"What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers"

"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.... But then the librarian told me to take it out..."

"""I'll be black"" the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor's freezer -The Termintator"

"*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms* *replaces them with Flintstones vitamins* You looked a little sickly."

"I stole my friend's kidneys one night he'd be pissed, but he can't"

"TIL Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto translates you to ""Thank You Mr. Robot"" The Spanish translation is Muchos Gracias Marco Rubio"

"It was so funny that I forgot to laugh... Said the sarcastic man with dementia."