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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber? It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9."

"Mental illness isn't a disease... ... It's all in the mind."

"My dad told me most huge mistakes take only 5 seconds to occur And there I was 9 months later"

"Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back... ""Send me your mother"""

"Why are bank offices so cold? They're trying to freeze their assets."

"""This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."" *finishes six pack*"

"My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist. I told him to stop being so clothes minded"

"Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem"

"If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I've never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?"

"At a train station, struck up a convo with a friendly Indian couple waiting next to me. I asked the guy how old he was and he goes, ""My wife is dirty and I'm dirty two."" No kiddin' oh boy"