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Joke of the Day

"When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper ""yes, please don't stop"" because people need to learn not to talk to me."

"My mom always has these great sayings for life, like ""Don't count your chickens before they hatch"" and ""Everybody hates you."""

"I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer."

"An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance."

"We need to run the government like a business. Specifically a Quizno's with a bat infestation, staffed by emotionally unbalanced retirees."

"We don't thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped."

"Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool."

"If you're too old to get teen pregnant but still want to see a look of disappointment on your father's face, may I suggest a short haircut."

"Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead."

"What time does a mechanic wake up? Oily!"