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Joke of the Day

"Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart!"

"What saddens me is that I'll never be able to murder anyone who uses ""Not with that attitude"" as a counterargument to negativity."

"I swear to god dude, if you say ""But what if we get arrested?"" One more time you're out of the group."

"[slams on the brakes] WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP"

"How much does a Satanist weigh? A pentagram."

"My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You'd have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that."

"Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn has gotten off pretty lucky... The last German who tried to gas that many people had to commit suicide!"

"I'm sorry, we can't hire you. But your background check was hilarious."

"*watching husband sleep* Me: ""I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"" *husband snores* Me: ""I can't live like this."""

"Retweet this if you think they should make gallon sized Caprisuns and have it still be a squeezable.. Think about it."