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Joke of the Day

"What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table? Gold! (works better when told - most will interrupt with ""Arrrrrrrrrgon!"")"

"What's the difference between a hooker and jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them."

"2 peanuts were walking down a dark alley one was assaulted"

"Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because you were a good idea last night, but now I just want you to shut the fuck up."

"What do you need to make a crystal salad? Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice"

"An old man and young boy are walking through the woods at night; the boy says ""I'm scared."", to which the old man responds ""*You're* scared?? *I'm* the one that has to walk back alone!"""

"When dealing with the police it's important to always remain calm and be white."

"How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ? Ten ants !"

"I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary."

"What time is it after you've eaten a dozen eggs? 8:12"