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Joke of the Day

"You can't tell me I neglect my children. Nobody else knows where they are either."

"Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system."

"Why was it so hot in the stadium after the game? Because all the fans left"

"What's worse than getting AIDs? Having to find out that your dog has AIDs too."

"I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery"

"What's black on the bottom and white on the top? Society."

"What do a Boston Marathon runner and Hitler have in common? Neither can finish a race."

"Damn, boy are you Cosmo magazine? cause you sure have issues with women"

"What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish"

"can we have one night where you don't act like spiderman ""ok"" [hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife's purse] ""don't look at me"""