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Joke of the Day

"Goodnight honey. ""Daddy, where do babies come from?"" The stork flies them in. ""Why's it take 9 months?"" Wind resistance. Go to sleep."

"[Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: ""Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."""

"How are the Oakland Raiders like the mailman? Neither one delivers on Sunday!"

"I would rather... die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask? He's force fed."

"Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest."

"Carl: Cold out night. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders' ability to make webs. Me: Fair enough."

"BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance"

"Kills Two mosquitoes with spray. *writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*"

"Me: Do not 'K' me again. Daughter: Que Me: In any language. Her: Si This is why I'm crazy."