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Joke of the Day

"When she found the ring in the spaghetti she said yes, but the more rings she found the madder she got, and eventually she changed her mind."

"What do you call a Mexican smoking weed? A baked bean"

"Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was ""bring your feelings to work day""."

"getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community"

"[creation] GOD: You all have a divine purpose HORSE: I will plow man's field COW: I will give man milk GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo"

"So I realized I have all these great stories, but far too few end with ""And then I fucked her...."" So anyways I was babysitting my little sister last night...."

"Somebody accused me of being condescending today... ...by the way, condescending is shown or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others."

"I'm taking my kid to an aquarium today. (I'm putting my kid in the closet with Sponge Bob videos)"

"[interrogation] What were u doing last nite? I was killin my neighbour, Bert. Louder for the tape? [leans in] Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy."

"*gets hit by a car* Passerby: ""ARE YOU OKAY?"" Me: ""Please... I need my... phone"" *opens Twitter* Me: ""LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"""