1892

Joke of the Day

"ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT"

"What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net."

"""Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object."" how I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station just now"

"Remember when Twitter used to be a service where I could post something like, ""Hello, my name is Doctor Toilet"" and get a bunch of retweets?"

"How do you catch a fish with peas? Drop some peas along the shore, and when a fish comes up to take a pea, you grab him."

"5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son"

"When Dracula went to the blood bank, he said: ""Do you deliver?"""

"Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?"

"DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up."

"When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too."