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Joke of the Day

"I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking. He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient."

"When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting ""I'm pregnant"" to random numbers."

"I don't have a problem with man buns You used to have to talk to someone for 3 or 4 minutes to figure out if he's a fuckhead"

"Son: ""Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: ...*clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter"

"So Aaron Hernandez is going to prison... He's going in a tight end, and coming out a wide receiver."

"Where do suicide bombers go after they die All over the place"

"The asshole in front of me is texting and driving right as I'm tweeting this."

"Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly."

"5-year-old: I'll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland Me: You finally understand we can't afford it 5: You should just send me"

"You'll end up real disappointed if you grow up thinking everyone has the same heart as you do."