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Joke of the Day

"3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet."

"What is green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you? A pool table!"

"What's the worst part about running a gay pirate ship? There's always seamen on your poopdeck!"

"Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. Liam Neeson: I will find them. Wilde: Wait, I meant- Neeson: EVERYONE"

"What do T-Rex's do for a living? They're small arms dealers."

"Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out?"

"My son came into the room and said there was a man knocking the door with a beard. That's probably why I didn't hear him."

"I never thought I'd meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right"

"What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef stoken-off"

"A spice belt for chefs Might be a waist of thyme"