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Joke of the Day
"What do you call a crossdressing nanny in Martha's Vineyard? A Nantucket."
Next Joke
"Is it appropriate to force an adult to wear diapers? Depends."
"I got a job installing elevators It's some next level shit"
"""I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."" ""A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"" ""That's where I invite a bunch of your friends and if any of them come I'll be surprised!"""
"""Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."" - Me to my children."
"Before saying anything like ""you have really soft hands for a man"", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man."
"When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus."
"Stay away from teenage skunks They have pee-yoo-berty! Ill see myself out :/"
"What does a math teacher say when they leave? calc-U-LATER"
"Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa. But then I realised it was my mother-in-law."