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Joke of the Day
"Is your dad's name Craftsman? Because you're a ratchet that's very easy to replace"
Next Joke
"[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant."
"I must have a great body... Everyone keeps saying ""What an ass"" as soon as I walk away."
"I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit"
"I Need a Drink"
"We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive."
"Why is drinking American beer like making love in a canoe?"
"(Date) ""What's wrong?"" Oh nothing I'm just a nervous hummer ""Aw how cute!!"" *perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*"
"My fairy godmother asked me ""Do you want a long penis or a long memory?"" I don't remember my answer"
"At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person's shoe laces together. It's not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?"