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Joke of the Day

"Me: He's starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD... Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE'S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you."

"Do teardrop facial tattoos prevent crying? If so, I'm getting a urine stream tattooed down my leg so I'll stop wetting the bed."

"*Cop Dog radios in* We've got an armed robbery in progress ""What's that boy?"" An armed robbery on 5th ""Timmy's stuck in a well??"""

"Why doesn't a duck wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face."

"That's the third time in a week I've woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they're not gonna let me drive this bus anymore."

"Why didn't Chris Brown make any headphones? He definitely knows how to make a good beat. I will show myself out."

"Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch."

"Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work."

"What kind of martial arts do birds practice? Wing Chun"

"I'm such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie."