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Joke of the Day

"Did you know Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for christmas? He said it was the best book he's ever read"

"So today I found out I have Alzheimer's disease... But on the bright side, at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease."

"""That's what."" -She."

"Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?"

"What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist? A marine biologist."

"How do you know when a black chick is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out and all the cotton's picked"

"A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite."

"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards."

"There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face."

"What's Spider-Man's least favourite rice brand? Uncle Ben's..."