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Joke of the Day

"Her: ""My baby paints with her food because she's artistic."" Me: ""That or your baby paints with her food because she's a goddamn baby."""

"If you play the ""Strawberry Fields Forever"" record backwards, you can quietly hear your roommate saying, ""Get a job, Megan."""

"What do you call a liquid that spent all its money dissolving solute? [in]solvent"

"What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone knocking at your door for no apparent reason."

"Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister..."

"Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say ""I'm affordable"" instead of ""I'm adorable"". Stop embarrassing me."

"Another night, another chance to put a flaming skeleton outside a little girl's window and then hide it when she tries to show her parents."

"My mother-in-law said ""just do what you normally do"" when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward."

"Knock knock Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless..."

"I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime."