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Joke of the Day

"What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a"

"I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him."

"If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows."

"I'm very patient in the way that I can last 45 minutes trying to fix something before I have to pound the shit out of it with a hammer."

"People call me ""big"", ""dumb"", and ""stupid"", which confuses me because I'm actually not very big"

"You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen."

"Who had the best dinner with Megyn Kelly after the Fox Republican Debate? Dracula."

"Why was Santa in the asylum? He lost his SANTAty"

"I hate autocorrect... It turns my writing into a total duckfest."

"[at interview] INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you? ME: Peter Piper. INTERVIEWER: What does he do? ME: It's difficult to say."