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Joke of the Day

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? (snicker) *You don't know?*"

"Sarah McLachlan should do a commercial but instead of homeless pets in cages, people in cubicles."

"Why do witches not wear panties? You get better grip on the brooms."

"Currently searching the want ads for a place that will pay a good salary for me to just curl up in a ball and give up."

"What's common between American beer and making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water."

"I just made myself a sandwich... which, if I'm understanding Twitter law correctly... makes me my own bitch."

"""Dad can we get a puppy?"" ""No but we can get a submarine if you like?"" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] ""dad I should be at school"""

"A pyromaniac recently joined tinder... He got a lot of matches"

"""I'm supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What's that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out."" - Virgins tonight"

"Why did the Polish man think his wife was plotting to murder him? He found a bottle of polish remover on her dresser"