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Joke of the Day

"The national debt isn't the only thing that's rising."

"teaching my 1yo daughter to shout ""Mike Wazowski!"" every time someone opens a closet door"

"SON: The car's manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way. DAD: Guess you could say- SON: NO DON'T- DAD: -that's sound advice."

"*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger"

"How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving. Forgive me."

"Skinny Jeans All jeans are skinny jeans if you're fat enough."

"[Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * ""That lady took one too!!"""

"'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'"

"Traffic lights are so shy the closer I get to them, the more likely they are to go red"

"Waiter: Did you save room for dessert? Me: Not really, I'm stuffed Waiter: Ok, I'll bring the check Me: I'll have the chocolate cake."