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Joke of the Day

"I'm on a whiskey diet. You should try it, I've lost 3 days already."

"What do you call paying for services with a blowjob? A package deal."

"What was Abraham Lincoln's seating preference? Not John Wilkes Booth!"

"Lubricant?? ... Lubri-CAN!!!"

"My friend and I are playing a game.. So my friend and I are currently playing a game. The person who is hated the most by the Reddit community loses. Well, to put it simply.. I just lost the game."

"Mr. Belichick how do you feel about these accusations against your organization? Deflated."

"Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!"

"Fuck. I just mentioned that it was my birthday as a pickup line to this hot girl at the bar and her fat friend is now asking about cake."

"BRAIN: it's 4am u up? ME: leave me alone B: who was our grade 5 teacher? M: stop B: why's our eye itchy? M: I'm ignoring u B: engage bladder"

"[judge at restaurant] ""I will try... the lobster"" [2 hours later] ""I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"""