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Joke of the Day

"""My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids."" ""But...don't you already have 2?"" ""Yeah."""

"My Girlfriend is doing majors in Physics Yesterday she texted me she needs time and distance. I dont even know why she wants to calculate the velocity"

"Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone"

"I used to have a Viagra addiction. It was the hardest part of my life."

"Why does government matter? It doesn't."

"I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy."

"What do you call a Tardy count for a school of water bears? A tardigrade!"

"Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving? It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China."

"We had a muslim friend.. Who was always late to the class. We used to call him 9/12. Edit: he is still my best friend."

"As a kid, I'd pull a girl's hair to let her know I liked her, but now that I'm older & wiser I simply hit her with my car."