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Joke of the Day

"""Every time I go out, the paparazzi wants to make an oil painting of me. So annoying."" - 1700s celebrity"

"People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust. Most of the guards survived didn't they?"

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer? A prostitute can sell her crack over and over again."

"Every woman wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to panic."

"Why did Medusa order pizza? Her boyfriend was stoned."

"Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!"

"I dated a girl once who turned out to be a cannibal. That really came back to bite me in the ass."

"Two men .... Two men walked into a building, You would have thought one of them would have seen it!"

"At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat."

"I'm allergic to alcohol.... I break out in handcuffs."