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Joke of the Day

"Before I do anything important, I always ask myself ""would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?"""

"Is the Capitol of Kansas pronounced ""Wichitay"" or ""Wichitah?"" It's pronounced ""Topeka."""

"[God creating mosquitoes] ""I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."""

"If Edward Snowden worked at a grocery market.. *Loudspeaker* Paging Mr. Edward Snowden, Mr. Ed Snowden Constitutional breech on isle 1 & 4 Will Mr. Snowden please inform the public accordingly"

"Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber? It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9."

"If I hold one moth ball in my right hand and another moth ball in my left, what do I have? A bloody big moth!"

"FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY - WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!"

"The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I've been cheating on my diet. I'm not even sure how they'd know that"

"What would a video game about an abortion nurse be called? Womb raider"

"Guys, I'm eating for two! I'm not pregnant, I just have a problem with portion control."