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Joke of the Day

"""I put on pants for nothing"" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cabot ! Cabot who ? Cabotret !"

"Why would OP make a terrible pizza chain? Because they don't deliver."

"Why do Jews only read the Old Testament? Because they're too cheap to buy the new! *ba-dum-tss*"

"Twitter turns six today. It seems like just yesterday that I spoke to my family."

"Today we honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of puking and peeing."

"I love fucking love coffee. It's what keeps me up at night."

"My girlfriend said, ""We should make love like they do in the movies."" So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face. She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies."

"Where does beef come from? Cowschwitz."

"I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal."