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Joke of the Day

"[police station] ""sir you get one phone call."" [calls 911] ""hello 911 what's your emergency?"" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage."

"I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale: ""Happy Bird Day!"" Then I draw a bird. Thanks /r/jokes!"

"I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth."

"OMG... JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA- Oh wait, it's Ravioli."

"And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month."

"Two black men are in a car. Who's driving? The policeman."

"Anal is like brushing your teeth. If you see blood your not doing it enough."

"What's an Afrikaner's favorite game? Apartheid-and-go-seek."

"this guy said i had a chip on my shoulder. i looked over and saw a bowl of salsa on his. i knew right then kids. your father was my soulmate"

"Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle."