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Joke of the Day

"This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I'm literally just pressing buttons."

"What's worse than having a screaming child on your hands? Having half a screaming child on your hands."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cosi ! Cosi who ? Cosi has to !"

"Jared likes his subs like he likes his kids. 6 and 12."

"I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit."

"When is a door a container? When it is ajar!"

"NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz.. Oh cookies? Hmm. Double stuff?! You don't say! The white one w/ no windows? Sure!"

"I could be wearing a onesie right now, you don't know."

"What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus? Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry."

"Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You're the husband now."