180641

Joke of the Day

"Me: OK bedtime Mind: Hey let's think about stuff Me: No, sleep Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget Me: FUUUUUUUCK"

"turn-ons: eye contact people who pay attention to me people who know how to push my buttons oh god im a television how did this h"

"What car does Woody drive? AUDI ADUI ADUI!"

"Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong"

"How do you stop a dog smelling ? Put a peg on it's nose !"

"where does a queer download his illegal software from? pirategay"

"My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE."

"Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing? Because they don't make any cents."

"A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine and he said to her ... ""Hey baby, we should bang sometime."""

"Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he had his dick stuck in a chicken"