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Joke of the Day

"Some people go to church on Sunday mornings. I just grabbed snacks and crawled back in bed to watch porn and read tweets."

"wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?"

"What goes in big and hard and comes out soft and soggy? Bubble gum."

"My class requires 3 1/2 in. floppy diskettes, they're only $1 each, but the time machine to go back to 1997 is extremely expensive."

"What did one lesbian vampire say the other? See ya next month ;)"

"With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute"

"I know a thousand ways to kill a man, and pretty much all of them are with an XBOX controller."

"A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, ""Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"" He says, ""Why? Are my eyes bulging?"""

"What do you call a bouncer at a.. What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame thrower."

"Did you hear that someone stole all the toilets at the police department? The police said so far they have nothing to go on."