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Joke of the Day

"The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts."

"{Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear"

"Instead of buying a new pair of sunglasses I think I'll just randomly leave $100 somewhere."

"Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines."

"It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet."

"What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto . . hahah . . . fuck"

"I heard a great HIPAA joke yesterday But I can't tell you !"

"Went to take my dog with no legs for a walk in the park... now its a dragon."

"How do Chinese people name their kids? They throw silverware down a flight of stairs....ting, tong, ping, ding"

"Back in my day, you didn't even know who was calling you when your phone rang. Shit was scary."