180217

Joke of the Day

"Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show."

"Did you hear about that glacier off the coast of Italy? It was a Romaine Iceberg"

"What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on? It twerked."

"What sound does a Hispanic pacman make? Guac-a Guac-a!"

"If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner it's usually about 90 degrees."

"They had to shut down the T-Rex cloning program at the Oedipus Complex. It was on the news this morning. Apparently, the entire staff was eaten by mother-fucking dinosaurs."

"Have you ever read ""The Longest Joke in the World""? Now you have."

"Yo mama is so ugly that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares."

"*walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself"

"Me: I love you so much Calories: I love you more"