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Joke of the Day

"Me: Hello darkness my old friend Darkness: I have a boyfriend."

"I said I was mad at myself. My 4yo son looked at me. ""There are fancier words for mad,"" he said, fixing my hair. ""You should say irritated."""

"I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride."

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff.. Bahh, dum, hiss"

"How did Luke always know what Darth was getting him for Christmas? He felt his presents..."

"You know who's even bigger than Ariana Grande? Ariana Venti."

"Can women pay for a Brazilian wax with defurred payments? Not if they are Bush Supporters."

"[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?"

"Me: What do gay horses eat? Mom: Oh! I've heard this one, it's Haaaaaaay!"" Me: Wrong. Penises."