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Joke of the Day

"Snow's starting to melt. Soon I'll have to rake the leaves from last fall and do something with the dead panda. I told the kids he ran away."

"ME: how long will it take to remodel my house? CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months [9 years later] CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair"

"My friend told me that i don't understand irony... Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time."

"""Hey kids, you like candy?"" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time."

"I'm no architect, but I don't think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll."

"I always wear an athletic cup. It's over-protection in a nut shell."

"Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?"

"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in dirt and then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser!"

"What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed"

"Just ordered a non-fat pumpkin spice latte & now I drive a Prius & am a Zumba instructor."