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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought ""nah""."

"I'm the king of letting my phone ring for a while before I pick it up so it seems like I'm busy"

"Why was Kermit chased by nazis as a kid? He was a Tad-Pole"

"The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey."

"My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public."

"What does a mathematician do when they have constipation....? They work it out with a pencil!"

"Did you hear about the horny squirrel? he was fucking nuts"

"Thank you, iPhone predictive text, for sending my mother a message that said ""WOOOOFUCKYEAH!"" There's no joke here except I'm 30 & grounded."

"[LPT] When cleaning a messy room start with your bed, you will have a better sense of accomplishment when you eventually give up and sob uncontrollably."

"My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas."