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Joke of the Day

"I went for a run. I was out 2 minutes before I had to return because I forgot something... ...I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes"

"My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60 Now she's 97 and no one has any idea where the hell she is"

"When you have kids, ""sleeping in"" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was."

"I need 6 to 8 vegans... ...to mow my lawn. Plenty of food here, just bring your own drinks please."

"What's the fastest branch of the military? The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes."

"I like my women like I like my flyers. Passed out"

"A pho restaurant that doesn't close is a twenty pho seven."

"Did you know that all of the Hobbit films were recorded in L.A. Yeah, you could tell by the Smaug."

"What do kings call musical chairs? A game of thrones."

"The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be... 'AFKBRB'"