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Joke of the Day

"Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like ""he was like a brother to me"""

"My favorite part of football is when players ""look to God."" Because He's all, ""I can't do shit for the Middle East but I'm rooting for YOU."""

"Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted"

"Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going."

"WARNING Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy."

"You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect."

"If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns Go for the juggler"

"Ah Monday morning, the hideously ugly, unwanted child of the week. I'm torn between pity and the feeling of violating something with a broom"

"If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets."

"vote for me if ew like it watsup boring.facebook fucking.viber irritating.tango disgusting.skype ignoring. google porn'in ....lyf is complicated."