175011
Joke of the Day
"I'm THIS MANY drunk!! *holds up waffle*"
Next Joke
"My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof."
"""Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!"" - The Very Civil War"
"TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi."
"Did you hear the one about those kids in China? I'd tell it to you but it's a bit insensitive to tell jokes about youth in Asia."
"I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water. ""You're drunk, aren't you?"" said a disappointed voice behind me. ""What makes you say that, honey?"" I asked. She said, ""This isn't your house."""
"I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe"
"Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone."
"I once stole a simile I made out like a bandit"
"Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours"