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Joke of the Day

"Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to."

"Tomorrow is Saturday... ...that means i only have to worry about work, i don't have to actually be there."

"What did the wind turbine say to Justin Beiber? Justin, I'm a big fan. wheyyyyyyyyyyyy"

"Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?"

"My wife told me she is having an affair with Mr. Peanut. I think she is fucking nuts."

"Here's a fact about bees: They don't give a shit about your petty little problems. They've got a fucking job to do. Time is honey."

"What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout comes home from camp."

"Before you have kids, practice yelling ""GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!"" & see if it's right for you."

"My friend told me how electricity was measured. And I was like watt."

"Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries? Drunken Donuts"