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Joke of the Day

"Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to."

"Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins."

"People keeping New Years resolutions"

"I hope death is a woman. That way, it will never come for me."

"How do you throw a party in space? You planet"

"My uncle invented this one today. What is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter? He has no hands to pick the pubes out."

"Whats better than winning a medal at the paralympics? A pair of legs."

"Back in high school, I had this very bad beard and everyone would make fun of for it... So I had to start using a razor to *shave* face"

"Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations."

"They say talk is cheap but my last phone call cost me $2.99 per minute, billed directly to my credit card."