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Joke of the Day

"""Excuse the mess; we had guests,"" I graciously explain, leaving out the ""five months ago"" part."

"Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh."

"Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?"

"Breaking News! President Putin have decided to restore Crimea territory to Ukraine. But President Poroshenko was so drunk and just declined the offer."

"A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender looks up and says ""Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your butt?"" The pirate responds, ""Yarrr, its driving me nuts."""

"Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, ""I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."" Then I said, ""Turn Left."

"Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you."

"Where does Sean Connery sit? In the toilet."

"I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes."

"This kitty has really overstayed its welcome. All hello and no goodbye."