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Joke of the Day

"Says the Titanic to the Iceberg... so I was sinking..."

"What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a.... *Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*"

"Wrote a letter to Santa today because i don't want him to think that we only talk when i want something from him."

"I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican I thought he was running as a joke"

"When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife."

"Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide. Even Breakier News: I can't believe there's 1,100 Radio Shack's."

"My superpower is acting like I'm trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it."

"Thanks for saying 'on your mobile' in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward"

"Wife: ""You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"" Me: ""okay, I'll get out the wedding video"""

"I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on."