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Joke of the Day

"I love long romantic walks to the fridge. That's how I maintain my curves "

"Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats."

"Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide? Reese whatsername? ""Witherspoon?"" ""No, with a knife!"" Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)"

"My fortune cookie reads ""I peed in your fried rice"" and it's hand written..."

"How do Germans tie their shoelaces? In little knotsies...."

"Money is really tight this year... My family has decided that we are going to exchange glances for Christmas."

"I've just got back from an undertakers convention and the main topic was new ways of disposing of the dead There was a lot of thinking outside of the box."

"2016 is like if the state of Florida became a year."

"My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat."

"What do porn viewers and Donald Trump have in common? They ctrl+alt+delete the history thru don't want anyone to find"