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Joke of the Day

"Do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"Why are there rugs in front of the stove and the sink? So women know where to stand in the kitchen."

"If I can make just one person laugh at my jokes then I've done a shitty job at joke writing."

"My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, ""Of course I'll have another...I AM drinking for two, after all!"""

"They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer. There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance."

"An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough"

"Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again - me running up the stairs"

"I like my women like I like my milk... White, with 2% fat."

"My girlfriend went blind I hear when people lose one sense, it improves their others. Maybe she will improve in her sense of humour."

"7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!"